Good girl, bad girl, still a little girl in a big bad world

What is good and what is bad? If thinking black and white makes you the odd one who can't fit in, you start wondering what went wrong. One unfortunate day, or maybe many moments across weeks and months, when I was just another innocent kid, I must have thought to myself what a good girl I was going to be, just like my parents wished for, just like God wants me to be. And then I made a list of what was good and what wasn't. I jumped off a bus mid-route and carried 3 homeless baby crows home. I fed them every time they were hungry, no matter how much they stank, I was their new mother, I loved them unconditionally, whilst secretly holding the guilt of everything wrong that mankind had done to countless helpless creatures for centuries, on my tiny shoulders, and in my victim heart. I then gave them away to those who promised they knew how to set them free. I walked away knowing, nothing I could have done differently would have made me who I was. Who I am. It was easier back then, good was easily chosen, ignorance was plenty, so was love.
It's different now, the world is consumed in shades of grey that most people can see, but not me.
My list still has two coloumns. I never added a third, I could not comprehend, the maths beyond the binary.
I cannot forgive what I have become and I cannot accept who I am. Because I have lied, cheated, faked, regretted, lost, and loved without being loved back. But, thats how I survived being grey-blind. I cannot walk away from this pain knowing, nothing I could have done differently would have made me who I was. Who I am. The clock ticks on. Broken glass won't hold that special wine no more. I will never be the same again. I need a third column to survive from now on. One where forgiveness is not just given but taken too. Love is leftover for myself too, unconditional, as if my divine mother was with me, no matter what I stank off, I will be set free. And the same God, shall put me in the right hands, make sure I am taken care off. And just like the baby crows, only faith will allow a future, without it there would be nothing left. This is his design. This is my design.